he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
