I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
