shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
