Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
