if only i could text you this smell
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
