Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
