you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
