When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
