If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
