awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
