It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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