yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
