Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Randomize
