About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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