we have pet lesbian snakes
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
