my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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