Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
