the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
