I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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