If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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