it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
