guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
