This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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