Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
