see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
NoShamevember. You game?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
