Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
