Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
