End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
