This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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