i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
