You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
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