Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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