I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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