is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
