I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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