All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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