"it" just moved
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
