I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
