We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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