Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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