After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
