im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Watching her eat just hurts me
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
