the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I think your dad took our porno
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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