I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
