and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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