This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
