I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
