please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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