Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
You can't special order awesome
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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