I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
