just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
