This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
