nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
